It’s the last day of the year.
And it’s raining here. On a bleak, overcast, sunless cold day. Kinda my style…
And I’m again stuck. For this day, I’ve no idea what to do. From tomorrow, I have to have a new start. But today, what?
I was kinda hoping that 2011 would turn out to be the magic year, when every bad thing would be redressed, all things would be good again, and I would start rolling again, like the way I used to in the distant past (here I go start blabbering wasteful thoughts and wishes again…). Well that didn’t happen.
First half of the year was good, in fact one of the better times at IIT Kanpur. My perspective towards life started changing for the positive. I began believing in things, in my dreams, I started dreaming again. And that dream matured during internship months, and I gathered up more courage.
The story of second half was different though. Started with a crash, which was obvious but still hurt a lot. Everything just went downhill and then further downhill. August, September, October and November just rolled by, with things getting worse and worse. Everything just kept piling up inside me, everything that was wrong in me, and outside of me. Like somebody had set up miniature time bombs inside me, and those clocks kept ticking and ticking. The series of explosions soon came, when the exam ended. By the mid of December, everything was a rubble. Since then basically I’ve been lying in the rubble, doing nothing. But now that the year ends, I’ve made a promise to myself to change all that and starting building my life over that rubble again.
And moreover, it depends on perspective. You can’t build anew atop other buildings, you’ve to start over a rubble. Destruction, however unpleasant, and heartbreaking, is necessary. I’ve been telling how the second half was so bad compared to the first half, that’s only factual information. It wasn’t bad actually, maybe it was necessary.
Sometimes I think, and it fits, that the second half was a continuation of the first half, and there is no discontinuity between the two of them. It has been a whole. And the year wasn’t bad, just as it wasn’t good. It was 2011. A chapter of the story.
And though it may look like that I’m just running in circles, but it may be a spiral, and I’m spiraling upwards, just that I’m not mature enough to see it.
I have so much to learn… That’s good, isn’t it? 🙂
(an excerpt from something I wrote in my diary today, listening to Wish you were here)